Patton's Chiropractic Speech

rewrite of Patton's speech by Bob Braile, D.C.

Be seated ..... Now I want you to remember, that no chiropractic bastard ever won a health war by dying in his practice. He won it by making the other poor dumb medical bastard die in his practice.

Doctors, all this stuff you've heard about chiropractors not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the health war, is allot of horse dung. Chiropractors traditionally love to fight, all real chiropractors love the sting of battle.

When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, the big league ball player, the toughest boxer. Chiropractors love a winner - and will not tolerate a loser. Chiropractors play to win all the time. Why I wouldn't give a hoot in hell, for a doctor that lost and laughed. - That's why Chiropractors have never lost and will never lose a health war. Because the very thought losing, is hateful, to Chiropractors.

Now the chiropractic profession is a team. It lives, eats, sleeps and fights as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap! The biddeous bastards who wrote that stuff about chiropractic in the Consumer Reports, don't know anything more about real chiropractic than they do about fornicating.

Now we have the finest schools and equipment, the best spirit, and the best doctors in the world. You know, by God, I actually pity those poor medical bastards we're going up against, by God I do. We're not just going to adjust bastards, - we're going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the drop pieces on our Thompson tables. We're going to bankrupt those lousy medical bastards by the bushel.

Now, some of you doctors, I know are wondering whether or not you'll chicken-out in your office. Don't worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. - The medics are the enemy. wade into them, spill their blood, toggle them in the belly. When you hold up a post-operative x-ray, and look at a bunch of "goo" that a moment before was your best friends spine, You'll know what to do.

Now there's another thing I want you to remember, I don't want to get any messages saying that our practices are holding steady. We're not holding anything, let the medics do that! We are advancing constantly and we are not interested in holding on to anything except the enemy. We're gonna hold onto him by the nose, and we're gonna kick him in the ass. We're gonna kick the hell out of him all the time, and we're gonna go through him like crap through a goose!

Now there's one thing that you doctors will be able to say when you get back home, and you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now when you're sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee, and he asks you, "What did you do in the great health war?", you won't have to say, "Well,......I was doing colonics in Louisiana."

All right, you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel. -- Oh, I will be proud to lead you wonderful doctors into battle anytime, anywhere. That's all.